From the moment those two lines appear on a pregnancy test for the second time (well technically the fourth time for us). You know that your life is about to change all over again. But this time it’s different. This time you know a little bit about what you’re letting yourself in for. Well I thought I did.
Everyone has always said that going from no children to one was the hardest. The second baby “just fits” into your life. Great I thought. We’ve already built up these routines with Edith and it means everything will just carry on as normal. If the baby just slots in then it will be easy.
Easy it was not.
We were lured into a false sense of security. Norah was “a real” baby. She fed and slept on repeat. She did what babies did. Unlike Edith who never slept and was alert pretty much from birth. Then colic came along. The dreaded colic. From 2pm every afternoon Norah would cry. Nothing would soothe her. She didn’t want milk, she didn’t want to be in the wrap. She just wasn’t happy. Her crying would lead to me crying which lead to Edith crying. My husband would get back from work to an emotional mess.
It was so hard at the time. I felt (and still do) bad for Edith. I couldn’t give her the attention I did. We couldn’t go out anywhere because Norah hated being outside. She hated other people. She would just cry and cry. I almost felt like I was her prisoner. She just wasn’t happy.
In this time I tried making plans with friends and I always had to cancel. Sometimes incredibly last minute. It got to point where I would say no we were busy just to avoid trying to deal with Norah’s crying out and about. That resulted in friends making plans without me which resulted into me being lonely. Really lonely. Stuck at home with a crying baby and a toddler who wanted more attention than I could give her.
We went to London for the Johnson’s Event and Norah cried most of the time. She didn’t sleep much while we were there and I ended up standing at the back rocking with her and leaving the sessions. It was awful. When you’re in a room full of people and your baby is crying the whole time, you just think everyone is looking at you. Judging you. Why can’t you stop her crying? In reality they sympathised. I spoke to Katy who had written a blog post similar to this about her second born. It was nice to have someone who understood who knew what it had been like.
My husband and I joked saying she hated the world and in all honesty I think she did. It got to the point where although I loved her with all of my heart I found her harder to like. That sentence absolutely kills me to write but at the time it was the truth. I kept thinking back to those babies we lost and that time I so desperately wanted a baby. I made myself realise how lucky I am to have two beautiful and healthy girls but at the same time it didn’t make up for the fact I found it so hard!
We didn’t change anything. We tried everything we could. In the end Norah grew out of it. She grew out of colic. She grew out of the hating the world stage. Now she loves being worn. We think in all honesty she was just frustrated. She wanted to do what Edith can do. She’s proved that by rolling over at 4 months, crawled just before 5 months and took your first steps a few weeks ago at 10 months. We joke that her brain is wanting to be a toddler stuck in a babies body!
She’s a happy little one. She can get around, she can communicate and she doesn’t cry all day. Norah is still very clingy to me and it makes me worry when I’m not with her. I’m learning that she’s okay to be left. It’s so hard sometimes and I wish I had someone to understand back then. Someone to talk to. Yet everywhere you read “oh it’s so much easier”. It’s really not. Well it might be. But it all depends on the temperament of your baby. You’ve not failed. You’ve done nothing wrong it’s just how your baby is. Hopefully they will repay us by being perfect toddlers (wishful thinking huh?).
Now I make a point of replying to someone’s Instagram story of how difficult there baby has been that day. I tell them it’s hard. I have no advice. But hang in there.
It does get better.